I Touch Her Piece Of Gold With My Prick
by Pete Marchesi Introduction
I am here. On my own. My brother is sleeping on the couch. There is a mystery that is apparent to me. She still loves me. And I sit and wonder. I wish for more. But she is grown. And not… curious anymore. She has stood in her place. And demanded from her family what is. I hope she can sort through that.
I sit and wait. Will she come back? Will I have anyone else? What did… I have? I guess it was a trust. And that is all we hold onto. I am sure she will be fully… grown one day. And question it. I hope I am not around. Or escaped.
I forgot to take a photo with her. (I shift about in her little hole.)
I Can’t Rely On Them
I am at a certain place. In my life. No looking back. I say to myself. My ears just do not work.
I see a young girl. I once knew. And life falls apart in my head. It is not as though I am old. There is no love in me. Anymore.
And life is swept away. By what is evil and what is not. She won’t speak to me.
In defense I have no words. Her face is pretty. Who are we… to pretend. So life does not smile at me.
I am on the deck looking out at the sea. It is quiet. I do not know myself. Anymore. I used to draw images of confusion. Which is what I really feel. You cannot touch me with love. I do not feel it. I just feel danger.
A phone rings. I am at home.
What Goes Through Me
That I do not know. There is a boat on the water. I am high up. All the rich stay hereabouts.
I wish I could speak to her. But we do not know the meaning of love.
Christianity says to speak violently. I cannot concur.
I smoke a cigarette or two. Hoping for better times. At the madhouse. It is uncivil torture. I only went there because I was tired and feeling violent towards my family. They let me down. I do not know how.
These are Italian friends of mine. And they only know the inescapable. There is no love for me. She did not touch me. And I am just a man. Surrounded by evil. I cannot rely on them. My family. For anything. Now.
I take the notes that must be taken.
Worship
We fall before Christ. Saying he is the new Lord. And religion becomes a part of it. To make up our day. And bend me to the unseen. That is all that is left of me. And I battle with a fearful… face.
I cannot see the words anymore. There are tears in me. I fear for the worst.
I have only cigarettes to keep me company. I am screaming inside. To let me go. But the custom of religion is to shake you. I had words. What did I mean to say? The young girl says I had purpose one day. We all crawl around. I think they want to lock me up. This is my family.
I did nothing wrong. But it pleases them to see… me quiver.
My brother is on the phone with Hewlett Packard. It is his business. I cannot breathe. Let me have another cigarette. Shhh.
He just went on a trip to Europe. Did some business. He is not rich. Life will crack me. I know it. Now.
I try to breathe.
Today Is Friday
You cannot say what you are thinking. It costs too much. I must make a plan. To get away from it. Enemies. I never thought I’d have. My sister looms large. Strict and rude. I am no longer a member of the family. This will crack me.
The young girl will be my enemy. I cannot think. And let it flow.
I touched her on the nose one day. And told her I knew about love. She was 9 years old. All we do is talk. And there is no refrain. No thinking of what we are doing or what we are missing. There is just… seclusion.
Where is my friend? I bend to pick it up. The past.
My Step-father Had His Heart Taken Out
They took it out and placed it on a piece of ice. He said it was too much for him. He has no opinion on mad people. So I try to refrain. But they listen to the status quo. And society takes them away from me. He is all about golf and making friends. They are his money.
To him. So I hide away and look to the cigarettes to end my life easily.
My mother comes to shave me. She holds to the truth. That I am helpless. I begin to scream again.
The phone rings again. I wonder what they will do about me? They have already put me in a madhouse. From which I have the day off today.
It is no-one that I know.
A woman will cry out against a man if she knows why.
So I will not understand love. I do not want to. And the glimpse is over.
They Will Soon Be My Enemy
My mother cleans the floor. She says I am not tidy. And leaves the fountain on. I have to leave the family. Do I have enough time?
I have regressed she says to me. I am in trouble. I try to stay alert. What has bent and gone away? It seems a nice day. I don't know what is waiting for me.
The young girl was a friend of mine. They want me in prison. I am not a nice person to them. Anymore.
So which way will they go?
I am smoking too much. My family has left me. It is all secrets now. I thought I glimpsed love back then. We do not know our bodies. What will they prepare for me? I have nothing to do with it. And the words grow stronger in me. I love what I see. It is gone. Hidden in fear. I have to be careful.
What has stopped loving me? It is okay for now. Says a secret. But the world is filled with hatred. Because of religion. I look at my body. It is tired. I need to rest it. I will soon be gone. My love taken with... me. I forget the young girl. It is the only way. If there is trouble. I run away. I run away anyway.
Where do I go?
You See Things I Do Not See
And say they are law. You forget about comfort. And kindness. Where is my love? You have taken it away from me. I stop writing.
I thought we were friends. They will put me in hospital with this. I have to be brave. But what do I have left? I was just being myself. But she is a treasure to them. What am I? A dog. So they escape from me. And I am left alone. Too many cigarettes today. And not enough time. Where will I go? Away from my family. To lose them. In time. I see the view. I am crushed.
My mother gives me a hug. I have no friends. And I am in a hospital for the insane. Shhh. It will pass. So I keep on smoking my cigarettes. My mother has put me in this position. She wants to see bad things happen to me. I do not see why she hugs me. Shhh. It will be over soon. I find that people want things from me. I move.
I finally get angry. Why do this to me? I have done no harm to anyone else. I went to the Asylum because I was tired. And it is just… too confusing to me. I don’t know what they want.
It seems strange to me. That… we are all in this together. But we do not leave others alone. We are always asking them. What do you do? Where do you sleep? What do you want? These are words of enmity. I don’t know what to make of it. I do not want any enemies! And I have done nothing wrong… I took the girl at her word. Because the world is just too exciting to me. Life is simple. We have forgotten. I am angry.
I do not why people have to come at me. I am just… looking at things. I try to calm down. It is not enough to love and have sex. They want more. They want to feel it. I don’t know how to deal with it. My brother interrupts me. He says I have had a useless life. With my writing and all. All I know is the truth. And I want to get on with my life. I don’t know what the young girl wants from me. Wants from me… I will be quiet. I know when I am beat.
I am angry. Not because you let it all go by. And say we are not in time to save the world. Because you will protect little girls from sex. Call them your treasure and put them away. Religion does this. And it is unfair to all of us. I am not a pedophile. I know love in it’s entirety. But you will not let me have it. And the young girls get confused. And become just like you.
Telling me to pick up my cigarette butts. My brother comes along again. He wants to see what I am doing. Because he does not want life to escape him. I don’t know this family. Because they want too much from me. I have been out on the street. They persecute you. They know you have no money. But they give you fines that are too large to pay. So you go to prison. These are good, normal people I refer to. But you give them a time. You say it is not good to be poor. And lock them up. Because they do not belong.
They rant and rave about things you should know about. About the atom bomb. And so on. But we did no wrong. You say. I cannot… go along with you. I cannot! My brother pulls away. They want to know more. Because they know they are doing wrong stuff in their lives. But they cannot refer to anything outside. My sister is on the phone. I am always thinking it is about me. I go back and forwards down a hallway in the insane asylum. I am trying to stay cool. But they will not let it happen. I am angry. I am angry. I am angry. I am angry. But they want no more of me. My family wants to exclude me. Let it be. If that is the way they want it. I will not… depend on them. I will look to myself. And gather my strength. And be okay with it. Shhh. My step-father comes in. He needs to be apprised of the situation. And they do it silently. Without words. I remember this. How this whole community works against love. In whatever form that it comes. Because they cannot handle it. They cannot handle knowing that it exists. Because they are getting none of it. I gave love to this young girl.
But her parents have her already going to the other side. She must be 16 now. And she may very well change. Oops. Did I say it? That you were no good at what you do. That… as parents you suck.
Let the words ring true. My mother wanders around. Waiting for me to go. She just needs to clear up her life of clutter. And I am just another… thing. The young girl is at the pool. At the pool.
I Cannot Say Anything
I am trapped in my body. And cannot let the love out. I cannot go up and hug her. It would be presumptuous. But what do they know about love? I only know anger right now. My family would like to see me fail. At what? I declare. At making friends?
Is that all you want? Don’t you want to know that we made mistakes? And that we must stop making them.
The Anger Is Gone Now
I guess I am okay. I am on conservatorship. It means that I basically have no rights. My family will soon take the decision making process away from me. I will have to move away. I am silent.
The young girl is at the pool. We were good together. And though it smells of pedophile. It was an innocent arrangement. I don’t know why I even have to talk about it. You… are a number. You will not see the old men as sacred. We have needs. And I did not have love for a long time. A long… time. There was not any touching or anything. She just bounced up and down on my leg. I did not stop her. And could probably be guilty of that.
But there is love… Or there was love. It is all an arrangement. And I start to quiver. I don’t know your heart. And I do not choose to. You want to be kind and insane. By telling me how to be. I know myself well.
This arrangement. That is before us. It comes close.
Love
We seem… about our business. Just trying to survive the day. The rich say to keep it going. Even though the planet is suffering. I seem… to have my own problems. That we are here. And it only takes a minute. That going away. Will not make you stray.
So you look very carefully at things. And hope not to make the same mistake twice. My sister makes to go to the restaurant. My step-father is talking… I don’t remember exactly. That we live. And are asked. And all the fun we make of each other. I wonder if it will hurt.
It seems… contagious. That we cannot get the sex out. And that life is smothered. With things to do. I have eaten lunch. It is the kind of day it is. And there is no turning back.
I was vicious with my family. I hope they are okay with it. I want to talk… to the young girl. See. If she is still alright. But what will keep us back. I hear the mother’s voice. And know that I am not true to what is going on. My brother is going about his business. With Hewlett Packard. I don’t know when it will end. In a few hours… I will be back at the madhouse. Locked to… my room. And said to be quiet. I guess I am this retiring gentleman. That had no sex in his life. And did not like it.
I guess liking it. Is alright. Because we forget. To pick up things. Where we left them. So it is the beginning. And I cannot call to her. I do not know about friends. We have left each other in the dust. What will happen?
There have been no accusations. And I feel my body weaken. I am just a man. One of the things I like to do. Is have sex. I don’t know what ends. And I don’t know about holding back. I was swept away. And the memories go away quickly. I saw her face. And we did not know what to do. But the desire is strong. To make good on life. To give it a child. Or a distant memory.
I want to call out to her.
Tell her that everything is alright. Maybe she knows. But I know she will not be back to it. And her rancor. I don’t know how to devour that. I can still put on the music. And forget where I am. But love will not leave me alone.
Till I have a word with her. I know her mother well. She will not allow it. Because the treasure holds on.
I Go To Look
I still feel good about her. I don’t know if it will last. Life moves with us. Sometimes we have an opinion about it. I am just expressing it. My body was bereft when we first were together. Just to speak to her freed me somewhat. This simple old man. Trying to know better. She stands with her mother. She is still… curious. I hope I make it.
I still have no opinion on it. I never had. I left it naturally. That we meet good people. And let them go instantly. Because some of us still want to know better. I hope I cry when she leaves me.
Though I told myself not to care. At any leaving we are free to go. And where I am left. I was there… in the first place! I go to look again. Something stops me.
I guess it is my… eyes. They are sore now. Because I have been alone for so long. I am just a man. Nobody cares. I am gentle and fulfilling. But where can any of this go? Shhh. I must be quiet with my life now. I go look anyway.
I try to go and have a cigarette. Her legs look beautiful. It is okay to be young. And you want so much. But they will take… from you. They will say that nothing belongs to you. Even your body. She speaks to me.
I Feel Better Now
Knowing in my mind. That she is close. And what went before may… be alright. I want to be alright. I neither want to commend myself or put myself in jail. It is the reason in me that I do not understand. I have said we could be friends.
They go crashing through. She is going to University. To study design. I hope she does well. I hope she has lots of boyfriends. She has grown.
So we are friends. Under the blankets. Looking at the sunlight. Life does not happen like that. And we are frightened of everything. I think it is okay. That we… went through that.
I Take Some Photographs
Trying to find happiness. She still loves me. But I will do nothing. It is inescapable fact. I don’t know the opinions reigning in the house. The Pope is nearby. I do not know the religion. It is… everywhere.
But solace tells me to be quiet.
I am on my own in my life. I cannot keep it that way. Young girls. I know… them. But I need someone that can handle what I am going through. There is hope.
I don’t feel so bad. The house has gone quiet. They went on an errand. Will they be here tomorrow? We are friends. I am pleased. I guess they made space for me.
This will soon be taken up. And I have to take precautions. It means leaving my family. Because they want none of it. They do not want the romantic dream. It is who you know. And we only know doctors. My mother is getting old. My step-father is already sick. My brother has problems with his knees. And my sister. Her liver.
Me…? I don’t know me. I smoke too much.
We Make Love
We make love And I see her empty nest Her furrowed brow Trying to understand I can only dream of this
That we can do with time as we may
But there is a rancid feeling In this old heart That to dream Will make me fall
I fall We make love And trace patterns on the skin I note her no going back And am lonely for her
Only in a poem Can we reach out And heal What is making us unhappy I am so alone
I think of The life that will need leaving My brother says he is not reading this We are not… complicit We make love And there is no interruption
That only say you do And the Heavens hold nothing back
From us I am inside The walls contracting in
And I feel myself As only strength can do
But it is of love only And comes out meekly We make love… There is no going back
And I ask her something The sweat on her forehead Promising things… Promising me things
I guess there is skin to go to A place to touch I am alone My brother sits nearby He cannot see And I don’t know what stops him
It is private in me now The beating heart quickens And her face flashes
Mm The uncorrectable I have no cigarettes left And hide myself In this whim
I am on top of her She is crying out She does not want me to escape her My brother sits quietly I wish for a different world Where I can be whole And feel the emptiness inside And call it... loneliness
But she stops me I have come too close My brother sighs We are a family
I am not leaving I know things about this life They do not
And you may find it criminal I am just holding on
The End
I know the end When the beating heart stops And she says that life is beating her up It is saying things to her
About what is wrong or… right
But what will keep us together
Unless we are touching I say to all the old women out there To hold onto your skin And do not let the doctor’s wicked knife enter
Protect your children from the doctor His reign is not to be
We are not there For his delight
And she gets up And I can see her naked body Just as I wanted it to be
She is old enough now
But I dream I dream
I will put myself down In death If this leaves us all
To take the one moment We all… cherish And make fools with it As the religious has become Not allowing us to see
Into love
And she leaves I don’t know when she is coming back She will have children with someone They will be strong and vicious
We will be able to say To the not good
We beat you at that
You tried But we beat you at that
Trying
The Vegetables Rise
I knew once upon a time A huge house With no-one in it Everybody had left the place
I said to enter And everybody did I asked for money
There were excuses I forgot to take a photo with her
I guess I will forget But there is too much of that I still have her around my neck
I am not one to miss the reality of it That sickens me And says that we are all trapped In this society
The status quo Is that we are of Christ And no Angels are allowed near us For there is one God…
I gently put away the pages I need to get a job.
The Madhouse
I remember it well. I have an hour and a half. I am alone now. Just the way I want it to be. They keep on trying to make friends with me there. They want what I cannot give them. Hope. Many are like me. There is something stabbing everyone that tries to placate life. So I stay homeless. I don’t believe I said that. I really need a job. It is to bring my family together.
That is a cause I can hold onto. We are taken up in rife. And try to understand… We must not take children to the doctor. It is not the place to go. God weans us… of us! Through disease. So we must not look back. We must accept what happens to us. As coincidence. And not try to make life under our control. We will feel no love. Otherwise.
I sit and feed on the tranquility I can still feel. Soon. At the madhouse. I will be out of control. It is time to stop writing. This is because they want too much from me. They say we are ill-equipped. And cannot handle life. That we are morbidly incandescent. Because we hold onto freedom from the doctor. He wants too much of… us. These bodies that we try to hold precious. Nothing must enter them. They are ours. And we hold on.
It is a madhouse that people want you to agree. I do not… agree. And will become homeless. Again. No. I will not. I really need to start working. At least get some money. I do not agree with it. But I am out of cigarettes. And it is against the rules to beg. What happened to that woman? I hope she is not thinking of me. And that everything alright will happen to her.
I have to look after myself. And get a job. It is me now. And I cannot rely on them. There are too many wounds. They have my brother on pills too. He will get me some chocolate ice cream. We are a family. It is almost time for me to go.
The tiredness I feel. It is difficult to be dealing with things all the time. I am always defending myself. I don’t know where this comes from. But American society… The Establishment. I guess those are the old families. Or people we do not want to know. My mother comes upstairs. She is concerned. Should I really go? I will become homeless.
But I really need a job. My sister comes in and greets me. She does not say much. And complains about the restaurant. We need an extra dishwasher. She says the workers there are children. Excuse me. I want to say hello to them. They are all gone.
I have put them through everything. Everything that I have experienced in the last 17 years. Everything. Do you think that they are tired? Of course they are. I just asked to see.
And I have seen. It has left me upset. Because we are in great danger at all times. I cannot rely on them. I will become homeless. But I have always had a home with them. There was no fight. I just wanted to be alone. You cannot… come free of your family. It is like we were made together. And belonging must go on.
It cannot stop.
So I think for a bit. I will become homeless. Again. It is the only way. The only thing is that they will be sad. And caused to feel shame. From the customers at the restaurant and friends. We have… listened. We do not want our children to be fed. To the doctors. If they die, we sit by… them.
I have no children. So I have not been forced into it. We are corrupt. Where is that little girl? I said something to her. That I do not want to see her again. And you realize my jealousy. But she lives with it. I will not be rude. I will not act strong. I will vacate the premises. Because I do not know what will happen.
I am a kindly old gentleman. I went to the hospital. I have done a lot for you.
It is all in my writing. You have paid me next to nothing. The Internet is full of my work. Where is the little girl? I am going to be… homeless. I need a job. I need to start up again. With no more writing in my heart. And I am just rambling on and on.
Where is the little girl? She has disappeared. And needs to think about important things. I don’t think there is a going back for her. But realize that many of us just need her. We just. Need… her.
And if you hold onto your children too tightly. You will not see the good of it.
The madhouse remains.
No more atom bombs please. We are ruining the landscape. And have forgotten respect…
My mother comes to gather me. I need to get a haircut tomorrow. No time. I will become homeless again. And I realize it was just an experiment. To go about in… society. And ask it particular things. In Christianity. It is said you cannot beg. I guess we are different. And starving means nothing! So I see poor people go about at night, to pick the trash. I would have them on corners standing up. But you want to make laws… I am rambling!
I cannot stop. I cannot leave it alone. The young girl comes to take my hand. This mad old man. Trying to speak.
Speak.
We fuck.