Heroin.

Heroin.

by Pete Marchesi

Chapter One:

I have lived a good life… I don’t mind it. But, I am young.

I put the needle in a little while ago. I’m not feeling anything. I just need to get in touch with myself. You say there is no excuse for heroin. I am a romantic girl. My name is Mandy. I have decided… I am going to take what money I have and travel around America.

I live here. It is what I should do. I am so high… I don’t want to come down. I have had enough for my family telling me what to do.

I don’t have much of a story. I started with Meth and the boys… at around 14. It was alright with me. But my parents always had something to say. I don’t get on well with them.

This is the thing. They are controlling.

The time swept by, and she started to cry. She looked at the syringe. Did not feel too good about it. She got up and walked around her small apartment. It was away from her parents. That is all that she needed. She used to screw around a lot when she was 14 and on Meth. It did her no good. And she caught a number… of diseases. The doctor took care of it. She just began hating her life. She felt like she was buried.

Her parents made her feel like there was no going back. She was sure she could give up the drugs any time that she wanted. But the parents were not sure. They talked and talked to her. She finally got out of the house. She didn’t finish school.

But took a job at McDonald’s. It was fun for her. And she got on well with the co-workers. One day she saw a homeless person picketing outside the McDonald’s. He was asking that people do not go… there. She was blown away. A few of the co-workers went in hot pursuit of the homeless man, and a security officer… came. They wanted to put him in custody. They called the police. But the homeless man drove away. Mandy was surprised by the whole incident. And she began to question if McDonald’s was a good place or not. It served… food that was not healthy. And it was expensive too. But, she moved on.

She played around… a lot, when she was young. But now, she was twenty-two. And she felt like she needed more. That is why she decided on the trip. She had very little money. But, she thought she could panhandle and get around by hitch-hiking. It was just as thought.

I am in my second day. The heroin has lasted quite some time. I have been sleeping. And I do not want to wake up.

She got up, and packed her backpack with some of her writings and some clothes. There was not much space in it. And she squeezed in a toothbrush. She couldn’t find the toothpaste.

Outside, it was a sweltering day. She lived in Indio. A desert part of California. And she walked to the freeway.

Leaving all her stuff for her parents. She had about 75 dollars. She found a piece of cardboard and wrote… Las Vegas on it. And she sat.

She had some cigarettes. She was still coming down from the heroin. She had no other drugs on her. She was thinking of the men that she had had. She could not get over them. The way they were in and out. Like postmen. And on to the next conquest. She felt alone. None of them tried to hold onto her. They just let her go.

It is easy now. I know that I can make it. I am going to go to Las Vegas. I don’t know anyone there. But, I will make it. I need to get a job there. I have some stuff with me. I have my Driver’s License… I need to get a job first. That way they will let me in an apartment. My credit is no good. But, in Vegas, I have enough good credit to apply… Let it be a good thing I am doing. I have not even thought of Dad… or Mom. I hope they are doing okay.

And she wept. She had no idea of when she would see them again. It was just off… to where she needed to go. She felt a twinge. Perhaps she should have brought the Meth along. The Heroin was okay. It did not help to think about it.

The road was okay. She was in a car. The driver was Stephen. He was going directly there. A long drive. The road was up and down. There were long inclines and even longer declines as the road dipped into the desert. Mandy still felt high. And talked and talked, about her schooling back in Indio. Her friends. The way her life was. Stephen did not say much. He was pleased to have picked up such a pretty girl. He could see that she was down on her luck, and offered her a hundred bucks.

She said yes. And Stephen was quiet about it. He thought about hitting on her. They shared some Marijuana.

It completely blew her away. She was still feeling the Heroin. She found it difficult to speak. They were parked in Barstow. I don’t think the Stephen knew what to do. But Mandy was feeling horny. She took his hand and ran it over her breasts. Stephen was totally stoned too. And he took the invitation seriously. He put his hand on her pussy. And rubbed it. Mandy began to squirm and kept on saying yes. Stephen got terribly turned on, and began to get a hard-on. It was sticking up in his jeans. Mandy saw it and reciprocated by taking it out and licking it.

This man… Stephen. I wonder where he is from? And why do I need to do this? I am so tired of the sex. But he feels… so good. I need him. I wonder what he will do with me.

The night was coming and they felt pretty good with each other. They decided to eat something at the McDonald’s. Mandy got two burgers and a bunch of french fries. She was hungry.

They went back in the car. This time into the back. Mandy was not finished with him. And encouraged him to make love to her. No-one could see. They were parked in an unobtrusive spot and the night was upon them. He managed to take her pants off. She had no panties on. He asked her where she was going… She could not speak and grabbed his cock again. It was no good. He was about to come. He managed to pry her fingers of his dick and began only to kiss… her.

It was a romantic thing to do. This was the first time… they were together. And Stephen wanted to have feeling in it. He did not just want to want her and then it was over. He wanted to feel… her. She grabbed him again. And guided him in.

She yelped. She could feel… him. He was into it. And began a rhythm. He was soon very close. And talked to her, hoping to distract himself from coming. It was no good. And he took a deep breath. And took it out and came on her face.

Oh. He feels so good. I don’t know… I think I am out of myself. Somewhere good. His cum is so good. It is warm and luscious. I do not want to be any other place.

They rested. Soon… they had to be on the road again. There was not much thinking down. And Stephen thought himself a very lucky man. He asked about where she lived. But she was not telling. And said to him just to think of it as a fun thing to have done.

Stephen… thought for a while, and let it go.

Las Vegas came up pretty quick. They got there about 2 in the morning. Mandy took her hundred bucks and got out. She was dropped by the Luxor. He gave her his phone number. She did not have a phone. She felt better. It felt great so far. She had seen the desert. Had made love to a nice man. But she was lonely.

And as she stood there, watching him wheel away, she thought about going back. But, she could not get up the nerve to call her folks. They must be discovering that she was gone pretty soon. She had left the cell phone back there are the apartment. Everything… was there. And she realized that she has left the needle and the remainder of the Heroin on the table. She did not know what to say to say to them. If she called… them.

I do not want to let you down sweet mother of mine. I know that I am corrupt, but I just can’t hang with it. I need to find some shelter. I will just go into the Casino. All I have is this. My stuff. The books I am writing and some clothes. I need to make some money. I can play the slots…

She went in and tried to play. She got very lucky and was soon up to about three hundred dollars. She only played the slots. She did not know how to play anything else. She was propositioned a few times. She could not help that she was so pretty.

The feeling from the drugs were gone by morning. And it was a cold one. She went to get some coffee and food. And kept the money close. In the morning there was hardly anyone around. So she moved freely about the place. At the Casino they had a tourist desk, where she got brochures… She figured out the motels were too expensive. She was tired.

It was soon midday. And sun began.

Where could she sleep? She had been up about… three days. She needed to sleep. The sex had put her completely out of it. She thought of it, how beautiful it had been, and looked at Stephen’s number. He said to her he was there on business. Perhaps… she would call him. She found a corner in a parking lot and rested there. There was shade.

The Heroin is like a piece of the moon. I wish I was there. Flying through the Universe… on my surfboard. I feel pretty good. It was not bad to make love to him. I was feeling pretty good at the time.

And she fell asleep.

The ice of the desert. That cruel… place. Where there were few animals. And even fewer birds. Nothing to sing a little girl to sleep. Mandy rested on the concrete. And walked for days and days. She had kept the money. It was so exciting to her. She washed in the restaurants, and kept herself moving. It was Sunday… and she decided to call her parents.

I need to steady myself. I know that I can be reasonable with them. I am not even thinking about the drugs. And I am sure that I can get a job here.

She was disappointed. Her parents let her have it. Her mother was first, crying and screaming on the phone. Telling Mandy that she would be killed. Her father was calm and calculating. He asked how many men had she already screwed. Mandy just put the phone down.

They don’t really understand me. It is what I… want. And this I want for myself. I see myself getting a job, and the apartments are cheap here. She went to the Library.

She got on Craigslist and found some cheap apartments. Should she go out and see them. She had to get a job first. So she went to the laundromat and cleaned up all her clothes. She bought some lipstick… She felt that that was all that she needed.

And went into a Casino to apply for work.

It was busy in there. Many people were applying. She looked at the list of positions and was sure she could be a busgirl. That might be fun. It was not hard work. And there were tips. Also, she has access to free food. She had no phone number.

They said to her she had to have one, because they could not contact her otherwise. She felt stymied. She has spent two hours putting together her resume and cover letter, and sprucing herself up for an interview. But they needed time.

She said she would come back in a few days… Apparently she had lost her phone. They seemed… to agree, and she left. She had no money now.

So she went to the freeway off-ramp and made up a sign. Looking For Work. The sign said. It was Clark County. And panhandling was permitted there. She got a lot of money. It was because she was so young. People could not understand how she had come to such a low. After about three hours in the sun, she had put together about 83 dollars. She decided it was enough for a motel room.

I think that I can get a motel room. I can have a good night’s rest. There will be no-one there to bother me. It would be a great thing to do. Getting the money was easy, I just need food that is all.

So she found her way to a motel. It cost her 52 dollars, including tax. She was on her own.

She asked around, and found a food bank. Soon, before it was night she was there. Luckily enough it was open. They had a lot of dried food. But some fresh vegetables too. She could not take the frozen chicken. She had no cooking facilities. She thought it strange that they had the dried food to give away. Especially if you were too poor to have access to a kitchen. There was bread also.

She made her way back to the motel. She met a girl by the name of Kristy there. Kristy told her she had access to drugs. And they struck up a friendship.

I seem to like this girl. She seems to have come from the same background I have. She is not getting on well with her folks. And she is on her own here. However, she has no money. I have to watch myself with her. I don’t want to buy anymore drugs either. I will have to… watch it.

Now, the moon came out and the city was a bustle. There were prigs and tourists. Madmen and gangsters. But she took it in stride. Then… the drugs began to pull on her. She wanted them. The night at the motel had been good.

And it became her practice to panhandle every day. For what she could manage. She never took too much. Just what she needed for the day. And the food bank came in handy. It was open every day except for weekends. They were religious, but she did not mind it.

She has made up her mind a long time ago, not to take religion too seriously. She was her own guide in life. And knew what it was about. To her… it was about love.

And where you find it, you stay. Or… hang around. She had very little in her life. She had had boyfriends. But no true love. And she yearned for it. To be able to sit with a man, and just be… with him. In mind and body. To share what was happening with them in life. And be… happy.

The desert is an outrage of danger and futility. You walk along it’s hot and dry vestiges and can find no relief. Mandy soon got tired of the motel. She needed a better place. Kristy and her went to the Casino where she had put in her application. It was good.

Mandy for a while felt very good about herself. She had the job. They got clothing for her. A white shirt and black pants, and she was soon in the thick of things. Bussing was fun. You just followed the waiter around and picked up stuff. She was tipped about five percent. Which was pretty good. She could hold off on the panhandling. She had to get an apartment now. Kristy helped her. She has been sleeping on the street.

Saving quite a bit of money that way.

They went on Craigslist, and Mandy found a trailer to rent for 400. Kristy tried to convince Mandy to take her as a roommate.

There is no way I can do it. She is alright to be around and becoming a good friend. But she takes… I do not trust her. I think that I should have this place to myself. And there might be a man coming around.

She has met a few men. They were very friendly to her. But she did not want to become involved. As she had guessed her credit rating was just… good enough to get the rental. Kristy and her decorated it. And it looked like a fun place. Mandy was… happy.

She had not called them in quite a while. It was a good day.

Hi mom… Yes, I have an apartment now. No, I am not coming back… Is Dad sick? I am sorry to hear that.

And she put the phone down. Her father had come down with heart trouble. They wanted to give him a by-pass. That was pretty radical. She wanted to go back and see them. She put together a letter that they… could come and see her. In her new… apartment. And left it like that.

Now she could apply for residency. She knew how to drive a car. But she needed to buy one first. She had a street address. So it was okay to get her residency card there. Without a street address she would have had to use General Delivery at the post office. It was great.

She could pay taxes now. What next for poor Mandy?

And then it happened. The want for drugs became insurmountable in her. She went to Kristy, and managed to get some. It was Meth. She had to watch herself with it. It caused her to have a bad temper. But it was good for the bussing… She held her job.

As the desert moved through her, she began to think continually of her folks. She did not know what to do about it. She never thought that she would feel alone without them.

Chapter Two

I don’t mean by suicide. That it is anything that it is. But it is easy to do. When you realize that they world does not want you anymore. It will come to you, that it does not care… if you exist or not. The community will not say. It will never… say. It will only comply with those that shout the loudest. And those doing so, do not have your best interests at heart. So we leave… her.

Heroin is a remarkable drug. It is a natural drug, and therefore not that hard to leave. But it annihilates you, because it is in such concentration. Marijuana is okay. But that can be very steep too. Mandy was taking Meth. That is different. It is a synthetic, and does not come from natural sources. It is like L.S.D. It knows no stop. And can make the mind believe strange things. Meth is that little bit more hard. It damages the brain. You cannot be on it for too long, or you will be a mess. As Mandy was to learn.

She began to take the Meth continually. There was no stopping her. She could hardly keep up with her job. And Kristy was no good for her. She kept on encouraging her to party. To live it up! There was Vodka. And pretty soon Mandy was feeling bereft. She had not taken up with a man yet. She wanted… to be independent. News broke her.

She had called her folks again. To see how her Father was. She had been in Vegas for two months. Her Father was dying. He had had the operation. During the operation they had put the heart on ice. They had actually cut out the thing and taken it out. Mandy was revolted. Her father was not strong enough to have endured it. And when he came out, he was weakening.

Mom. I know that Dad is not doing well, but I cannot come. It is great here. Thanks, Mom. Bye… I can’t go there. It will be the same stuff. He will come out of it, I am sure. I just do not want to be there, with the telling me what to do all the time. I have my own mind, and I do not want them making decisions for me. If I make mistakes that is my… business. All I am doing is looking for love, out here. I am ready for it.

And then her Dad died. It was three months into the trip. Mandy thought about getting a car and continuing her trip. She decided that she could probably get it together anywhere. But she felt sad. Kristy brought some Heroin over. It was not… too good a thing. Mandy tried some. She flipped out. And was taken to a hospital.

She kept on saying to everyone around her that she wanted to commit suicide. It was just the effect of the drug. A bad… effect. But the doctor saw an opportunity… He referred Mandy to a psychiatrist. They sent her in.

The psychiatric hospital was no fun. There… she met Gerry. Gerry was a gambler. He could not speak to her much. He was continually walking up and down the hallway. There was nothing else to do. And the medication… It really slowed up your reactions. And she was not into taking it. But they would have taken her to a worse place if she did not take… the medication. They put her on Abilify. It seemed to do good for her. It made her a bit… wild. But she was able to have a continuity of thought on it. So she settled down with it. She was there a few days.

Gerry was a big man. He had brown hair and brown eyes. She just liked him.

He asked me why had I tried to commit suicide. I told him that is not what happened. I just felt like dying. And I said so. Because the it was a bad trip with the Heroin. Gerry remarked on her taking drugs. She said it was like gambling. Intoxicating. They got on pretty well.

The nights were hard. She really wanted to be with him. From the outset. From first seeing him walking up and down that hallway. He was a serious man.

I wonder why he… is here? He does not seem mad. He seems able. I don’t know. I should speak to him more intently. Get under his skin.

She soon found out that he also had problems with his parents. He was a gambler. But he also wrote. A dangerous thing to do. Because it took up all his time. And he could not think of a woman. He longed for one. But kept them at arm’s length. Saying he was just not interested. There were two reasons. He did not want anyone to interfere with his writing and his gambling. And he wanted… real love. He did not just want to sleep around. And have fun. And… lose your life to advantage.

Gerry explained to Mandy that he had been… around. And found that the women were only interested in sex. He was not very well endowed. But he was willing. And he just found the women to be opportunists. His great interest was in politics. And… poker. He had been trying to make his living with poker. But it had not been working out. Mandy had never taken gambling seriously. So she couldn’t say. They did many things together. On the fourth day, they let her go. Gerry had to go to court.

This… was apparently the story. His parents had put him in a madhouse when he was younger. He described how they diagnosed him. He thought it was malarkey. But they insisted. His parents took their… side. He had come to Las Vegas to get away from his parents. He was no good with… them. He had continually taken money from his mother. To play scratchers in California. It was a bent ambition. Because scratchers did not win. One day… after a two year stay in a hospital, he had decided to pack it all up. He left. Without a word. He has not talked to his parents since. He had been in Las Vegas for six months. Mainly on the street. He had not gotten a job, and did not know what to do.

Each day he would go an panhandle with a guitar outside one of the grocery stores. Take that money. And go and spend it in the Casinos. He could not get the upper-hand. He would play the slots, but after winning he could not keep the money. He let it go.

There was something in him, that just did not want life. He said to her that he would come and see her, if he was able to get past the court.

In the court they sent you away… They named you gravely disabled if you were homeless. Unable to take care of yourself. Gerry knew… he could. So, he could not understand the judge.

I think that if I can help him in his life, he might be good for me. I don’t know. He is such a big man. He might be dangerous to me. I hate this hospital. There is absolutely nothing to do here. I will not take drugs after this. I hope he gets in touch with him. I really like him.

And she left.

It was a few weeks later and there was a note at the trailer. Gerry has managed to avoid going back for an extended period of time, and was on the street. Looking for her.

She exclaimed.

And was very pleased. She waited for him. He said he would come by in a few days. And that she must be sure to be there on Sunday.

Mandy dreamed about going on the road. And taking Gerry with her. They could go to far off places. And make love. She thought of him all the time. She managed to get her job back. And was not going to go take the drugs again. She felt settled.

It was night when he came. He came… alone. He said he had been back in Laguna Niguel. His home in California. Mandy told him how she had managed to get the job and the apartment. And that she was feeling settled.

He showed her his writing. It was filled with hatred of his folks. And Mandy was sad. She remembered her Father. And told Gerry about the heart operation. They were two people away from their homes.

It did not seem like a good match.

On the very first night, they made love. Mandy made a wonderful dinner. Spaghetti with onions. Pasta Fazul. She called it.

And soon the moon that does not know us, filled the sky. There was wine and small talk, and need…

He was on her couch. She could not understand it. She has asked him to come… closer. He had said he only wanted to talk. He watched her pretty body. There were not drugs, only wine. He got brave.

He moved… up to her. And kissed her on the nose. Saying, she was his friend.

If you are my friend, come closer… she said.

In a few days they were in Utah. Gerry had a car.

It was a van. They made love every day.